Friday, July 29, 2011
The media is abuzz with the death of Amy Winehouse.
Its funny how only when someone famous passes away, you begin to develop an interest into the lives of the said individual.
The same goes for me.
I had never heard her music before, nor did I pay much attention to her accolades. Nevertheless, its only when she began to come on news for all the wrong reasons, my interest peaked, and I followed her misadventures with a certain degree of interest. Its strange, how people pay more attention to you when your life is spiraling out of control. When its so easy to point fingers and laugh at an individual when they are at their worst. When we coolly pass judgement and laugh at their misgivings.
And when, suddenly out of the blue, when the individual who was the butt of all your jokes for a long time, succumbs to his/her miseries, you take interest in their lives.
Such would be my case.
But beyond the vague interest, lies a deeper emotion of empathy.
Something that perhaps reaches out to you through the darkness entrapping your soul.
I can only imagine, how hard it is to fight long drawn battles with yourself.
When even though your intentions are pure, your actions speak otherwise.
When although placid and aloof on the outside, inside you are screaming for attention. Like a stricken sailor amidst a raging tempest, calling out for help, only to have his voice drowned out by the storm.
Its when the demons within you begin to take hold of yourself, you are caught unaware and feel powerless to do anything about it.
When you wish to call out for help, but cannot because of the morbid fear that no one will come.
And its during this time you are most stricken.
For some of us, everyday can be battle.
To battle with circumstance is one thing, to battle with yourself is a whole new ball game.
So many people have gone down fighting their inner demons, because perhaps no one came to their aid. Or perhaps they were too afraid to ask for assistance. Either way it has never ended well.
Perhaps the one reason no one ever asks for aid, is because of the morbid fear of being misunderstood or misjudged.
And that's when things take a turn for the worse.
I believe, that unlike popular conception, angels and demons aren't disembodied beings who ride on your shoulder egging you in different directions.
I believe angels and demons are the two halves of your very soul, that can either guide you or torment you in the years to come.
Its only when your inner demons grow stronger, they consume you like a fatal disease, debilitating you one step at a time.
We all have inner demons within us.
But not all of us have to undergo the torment they impose.
Its fighting them that's most exhausting.
While the world is out there judging you for the "error of your ways" you know the uphill battle you have to fight day in and day out.
And not everyday is a victory.
When you know you have fallen within, you still make a brave face before those around you. And might even feign a wide grin to hide the pain within.
So basically you have to live out a charade outside, and fight for your sanity on the inside.
And in doing so for a long period of time you begin to break, the cracks show and you fall deep into the abyss, forsaken and forlorn.
Nevertheless it doesn't always have to end this way.
If only those close to you could see the warning signs. If only they could have lent a hand to save you from falling deep into the point of no return. If only they could have held you when you were deeply shaken, exhausted from your constant battles with yourself. If only they knew..
If only they knew.
Unless you're a hermit meditating deep into the woods, you as a human are a social animal.
Unfortunately all society can do today is point fingers, mock and pass judgement.
But atleast those close to you can be of assistance if they wish.
Sometimes I even wonder why people bother to forge bonds with one another if they are the first ones to abandon you at your time of need, like rats forsaking a scuttled ship.
Fighting your demons requires tremendous strength.
It leaves you exhausted by the end of the day, unable to think or act.
But if you're fortunate, you can be strong enough to win this battle.
People often pray for money, success or other pointless things. When the real thing they ought to be praying for is strength.
Its only those strong of will and a good support system that come out of this battle unscathed. Whereas a good many aren't so fortunate, mainly because of personal apathy and social indifference.
I suppose in the end, when the going gets tough, all you can do is rest your sights on the smouldering embers of hope amidst the ashes. And pray that someday you will come out victorious and unscathed.