Monday, January 10, 2011

Life On Autopilot

It has been quite a while since I wrote something. And while in the past I have attributed numerous reasons for my writers block, I can only say that looking back none of those reasons have anything to do with me not writing. People always blame circumstance for whatever state of mind or condition they happen to be. But sometimes in life, I believe that things turn out because of the mindset you have rather than the force of circumstance.
As of now, the circumstances couldn't be more favorable. Most of my major postings are done with, so I have more free time on my hands. So technically and ideally nothing ought to thwart me from writing. And yet, day after day I struggle to come up with ideas to put into writing, because lets face it, a writer needs more than just time to produce his or her work.
Back in St.Petersburg, in spite of my classes, my tests, shopping for groceries, doing the dishes, and cooking, I always managed to write something. Because I was never bereft of ideas.
Back in India on the other hand after a while, I have a dearth of them.
Somehow I decided to fight my state of my mind and tried my best to come up with something, only to end up with an article that ended up insulting my friends, and another one that made me look like a juvenile ranting lunatic.
So technically it would have been better off if I hadn't written them in the first place.
This is what happens when you fight with time.
If something isn't meant to be it isn't meant to be.
If I wasn't meant to write back then that's how I ought to have kept it.
This is not an escapist philosophy, but a strong epiphany I felt this morning.
Sometimes, life is a lot more comprehensible, when you just let things take their course, and not stand like a stubborn rock before the tide of time. You'll just end up being swept away.
And no one can know this better than me, because I have lived all my life as a drifter.
Like a log of wood, caught in a river stream.

In short, a significant portion of my life has always been on autopilot.
I do not recall making even one conscious decision my whole life.
Things just seem to happen, and I just mosey on.
For instance, I never made a conscious decision to take up blogging. It just happened. I did not get up one fine day and say,"from now on I'm going to blog, and I will blog once each week."
It just happened. There was no decision and no commitment. And I managed to come up with some really good articles no matter how busy I was.
My co interns keep asking me why did I decide to go to Russia. I swear to God I have no clue. I just did. But I'm glad I did. In Russia, I was kept away from every crises my family was facing back then, and frankly, had I stayed back stubbornly in India fighting the tide of time, I would have been severely affected by whatever problems we had then and might not have even graduated. I was safe, secure and kept aloof from whatever was transpiring back home.
Things as a consequence turned out just right.
Like I said, I seem to drift from one place to another, without making a conscious decision.

Back in the 11th grade, my school principal asked me what career would I like to pursue. I just blurted out "medicine". To this day I have no idea what made me say that. I had never seen doctors at work. I hated hospitals, and I hated doctors even more. Even now in my internship, the sight of blood makes me queasy, and I detest human physical contact.
And yet here I am.
Why am I here, when I could have pursued so many other things careers like arts, singing, journalism or even computer science? As always I have no clue.
All I know, is there is some higher force that made me say I wanted to pursue medicine, the same force that took me to Russia and the same force that made me unconsciously take up blogging.
It may sound mystical to a good skeptical few but this is what I believe. To quote Master Oogway in Kung Fu Panda, "there are no accidents". In spite of how much I cringe going to the hospital as an intern each day, the very fact that I have ended up in the field of medicine is not an accident. There is a purpose. And perhaps not now, but somewhere in the future I will know why. The best thing to do would be to let go, and let life take the course it wishes to take.

Most of my friends know me to be a nervous wreck before and after an examination.
And yet after giving my medical license exam, which has a mere 20% passing rate, I felt strangely calm.
Not because I knew I did well. I thought I performed awfully. But I was calm because I didn't care any more. I knew I had given it my best shot, and frankly the result didn't matter to me anymore. And needless to say I passed.
Its when you stop caring and when you let go, life goes on auto pilot and takes you where you need to be.
As much as all of us, including me, like to be in control of our lives and like to rigorously plan everything, things never turn out the way we intended them to.
So whats the point of it then?
I never planned to go to Russia, and yet I spent six wonderful years there.
I never planned to be a doctor, and yet here I am.
I never planned to take up writing, nor did I plan to stop it.
But I did start writing, and I did stop it as well, for the time being.
No reason. It just happened.
Its only when we realize that our lives are not in our hands, we can be relived of that self appointed responsibility.
Since you have no idea, where you are destined to be, the best you can do is kick back and relax and let life take its course.
And trust life to take you where you need to be.
None of us can pilot our lives. We are just the passengers, who can make simple decisions about whether you want to be seated in the aisle or near the window. The major decision of where you need to be ought to be left to the course of time.
All you need to know, is that you're on autopilot, and you will reach your final destination, sooner or later.
Que Sera Sera!


Shadowthorne @ Ramzu Zahini said...

Autopilot in life? Detest human physical contact? Writer's block a la mode? We live and learn :D
It's ok if we don't have time or ideas to blog. Time will come, and then they will hear us roar!

brocasarea said...

looks like some some is guiding:)

keep up the good work..ur in a good field..its just tht u struggle little bit more initially...:)

Kaddu said...

Ahhh! U went with the flow of ur thoughts... and see... u came up with such a good post! :D Liked it.

SSQuo said...

I believe one can write when one can write. Trying to force something never works. So a break is a good thing.

Re. the choice of medicine, I find it very ineteresting that there was no clear reason. I wonder if somehow society or the perceived notion of being a 'Doctor' has anything to do with it.

In India as you 'may' have seen in the movie Three Idiots (its quite good). I dont watch a lot of B'wood movies but this one I must say I enjoyed coz i think its about time people give worth to fields beyond engineering and medicine(nothing against you, I hope you understand):).

I admire and respect all the effort doctors go through AND then take a vow to be distrubed at 1am!! Thats terribly commendable.

Hope u get my point tho.

Vyazz said...

@Shadow.........haha.....yeah things do seem to add up a la mode!! When it rains it pours. Like I said, just hope the autopilot steers me from stormy skies to a sunnier future!!!! :))

Vyazz said...

@Brocasarea: Thnx man........just need to remind myself of dat everyday!!! :))

Vyazz said...

@Kaddu.good to hear from u again!!! :) Well it took a lot outta me to come up with this one!!!! Glad u liked it!!!! :))

Vyazz said...

@SSQuO: I did see three idiots and I loved it!!
I agree completely with u as far as making a career choice beyond engineering and medicine goes. And it irks me to no end when I see parents forcing their kids to accept careers that they do not want to be in the first place!!
In my case there was no pressure of any kind. Was always free to do my own thing!!...Like I said, dunno wot made me say it, but here I am, and frankly now that I'm here, theres no looking back!! :)

SSQuo said...

thats good. You picked it coz inherently thats what you are drawn to, and possibly your subconscious just knew you were going to be brilliant at it. :)

rads said...

I've been putting off blogging for a long time too blaming on this n that but actually you are correct when you say that things jus happen sometimes...if u ask me, never plan ahead let life surprise you...its after all an adventure...n i like will learn a lot in the process too...