Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Petrified!



The purpose of having a blog are numerous. Some use it to convey what they feel, while some use it to spread some sort of social message. A good number of people use it as a medium to sharpen their writing skills, while a good remainder of people use it to rant out their grudges against life and the society they live in.
Today, I have nothing particularly to convey, nor am I exactly in the mood for personal introspection. On the contrary, as the title says, I am currently within the grasp of absolute petrification.
Within a month and a half, I am going to come across a very major milestone in my life. And that is graduation after six years of medical school!
Perhaps at this moment I ought to sound solemn and confidant, as I look to the future with the resolute calm and ease that would manifest perhaps in an individual who is certain of his prospects.
But I am not that person!
And for a fact I know that life is anything but certain.
On the absolute contrary, I am terrified of the future prospects, and constantly am kindling new and unimagined thoughts that manifest themselves as constant anxiety and nocturnal tachycardia.
Man throughout history has either been curious or fearful of the unknown.
Moreover one always seeks refuge in things that are always meant to be certain and consistent. When one knows what to expect, it usually prepares a person mentally to face whatever that is out in store for them!!
Au contraire, when you feel like in course of your life, you are about to enter a deep dark tunnel, where you have no idea so as to what to expect at the other end, it can be a good deal frightening to a significant few.
I do not have the curiosity and the spirit of adventure, of the sort that perhaps would exist in Indiana Jones, in order to abandon all thoughts of insecurity, and fearlessly jump into the abyss, gliding with ease as to be prepared for whatever lies out there.
The very thought makes me ill at ease.
So far, for the past six years, it has always been the same routine. Ten months of classes, followed by two months of vacation, and the cycle would go on and on.
But now everything is finally going to grind to a standstill.
As human beings, we are all temporarily deceived into thinking, that the lives we currently lead are going to stay the same forever.
We never even stop for a moment to contemplate on what are we going to do when things are going to take a sudden change in our lives.
Like when a student lets go of his fun filled collage days and is about to graduate.
And suddenly you are thrust out there in the world unprepared and find yourself running nook and corner for a job.
Or when someone has to forsake his single carefree days and has to eventually commit to someone eternally in matrimony.
The prospect of uncertainty is too much to consider. Perhaps even overwhelming to some.
I really wish things could always stay the same.
For instance, where the only major concern for me would be preparing some sort of report for the class the next day, or figuring out what movie to watch while I have dinner.
But it is never so!
They say change is good. It refreshes life and removes any sort of monotony.
Perhaps so. But then again, I haven't a clue so as to what sort of prospects will the so called change herald into my life.
I wish all of us were born with a manual which told each one of us, what sort of direction our lives are going to take.
But if wishes were pennies.....you get the picture.
Its just awful that one has to be left wondering so as to what is going to happen next. Frankly for me the current prospect of graduation, and subsequent entry into medical practice is leaving me terrified so as to how will I handle everything.
I seriously haven't a clue.
All I am aware of at this moment, are the final exams that are looming somewhere in the corner, and the tachycardia that seems to grow more and more consistent day by day.
For some the world "out there" is interesting, while for some, it doesn't make a difference worth a shilling. Whereas for me it is just plain scary.

All in all, its an awful thing to let fear and doubt plague you.
Perhaps the key would be to let go of all that bothers you. Like the fears that manifest themselves as malignant dark clouds looming overhead.
And pretend, as though indeed things are going to stay the same forever.
The past no longer exists, and the future is something that is yet to be seen.
The present is the one reality.
I suppose the answer lies in living in the present, and not bothering about what the future has to offer.
I have never been a fan of planning things because things seldom have a tendency to work out the way you would expect them too.
So all I can do for now, is play pretend, act as though there is nothing "out there" to get me.
And live in the moment.
For tomorrow is just another day.

Image credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/vermininc, http://www.flickr.com/photos/jessjessjess, http://www.flickr.com/photos/kitsa_sakurako,http://www.flickr.com/photos/tsukubajin

34 comments:

rads said...

Hmm this feeling of what happens next is always a pain in the neck...I guess everybody has to go through this in every phase of their lives...just be cool n everything will be fine...all the best

SSQuo said...

If you do find a manual, please let me know where I can get my copy! :)

The fact that you have had routine for so long makes this imminent change difficult. The future does arrive unannounced, and you can plan only this much. I personally like a general plan, but am up for spontaneity...as I think we have to be given how things change around us, and how WE change over time.

I cannot say for sure all will be perfect and fine, coz I dont know, BUT I do know that you can take it as it comes, and in time you will start to feel strongly for one thing or other, and you will begin to have a sense of what that future holds. It's little signs that will help you along the way! :)

Shadowthorne said...

"A good number of people use it as a medium to sharpen their writing skills, while a good remainder of people use it to rant out their grudges against life and the society they live in" - well, I am both :)

Fear of the unknown... Truthfully I didn't feel the same when I finished my uni study. At that time I believe in -"Gosh I am so great, fate will beat up its way to my doorsteps and hand me the job that I wanted."

And I waited 3 years for fate to do so, while working some odd jobs.

And yes, I was awesome indeed; Fate had my father leave this Earth (the only one person between me and my dream job) and here I am, living and doing it - a teacher. :)

As the Beatles and Suede (two fantastic British bands) said - "Let It Be" and "Everything Will Flow."

vaniquest said...

I can feel your state of mind.

This too shall pass !. Be happy :)

Kadambari said...

Ooh! This is scary. I can completely relate to you as I'm exactly where you are. Uncertainties and confusion lies ahead and I'm wondering if it'll all clear up! Like 'Vaniquest' puts it.. This too shall pass. And I hope it does.. ASAP! :)

Kaddu said...

Exactly... "the answer lies in living in the present, and not bothering about what the future has to offer"... and well just keep trying to do that...
Sometimes we succeed, sometimes we get caught in the past & future...
Life is like tht...

Aquarius said...

Vyazz...change is inevitable in life. And everyone of us fear it once we sresettled in a routine and know what one is expected to do.

The feeling you have are quite natural. Once you you get up and start moving this anxiety and fear will fade away. All the best for your Graduation and keep your chin up :)

brocasarea said...

hey u have one more yr right??[internship]

Mukund said...

Well totally with you on this one... its very scary... I did go through this phase as well... But if I look back at it I realize that its normal to be scared about the things you are going to face and may be scared is good, it keeps you on your toes... you do things that you normally mihgt not do...
You might not jump into a river if you are in a normal state of mind but you might do it if you are scared.
Just a thought...

ramya said...

Well, it IS scary when you think about future. For exmple, I enjoyed studying everything. So, I don't know what to do. And, I am choosing my subjects just on the instruction of my parents! So, I am scared if I am making the right choice! But, doesn't matter. Because, I am sure that at the end of the day, everything will fall into right place. Same is with you. As you say good bye to this phase of your life and enter the new phase, after some days, you will get so much used to the new phase that you might not want to bid good-bye to later.

varunshridhar said...

Ahh! the phase everyone goes thru! terrible isn't it.. I'd have nothing to say as I wouldn't wanna spoil the surprise but the cold of Russia would look real warm ten years on when u turn back n remember them.
so past graduation is it Dasvidanya Russia and Medvedev? :)

Vyazz said...

@Rads: Thnx....yeah it is a pain in the neck!!...Just wish it would be over and done with ASAP!!

Vyazz said...

SSQUo: Haha...definitely will lend u a copy if I find one!!!
One is usually so accustomed to daily routine that when things change all of a sudden you are clueless!! As far as the future is concerned, might as well not bother about it 4 now!!!Its true, one has to take things as it comes!!!

Vyazz said...

@Shadowthrone: Man its really cool that the future outcomes didn't give you the shivers!!! Like ur attitude towards things!!!...Mebbe I need to be headstrong as well!!!

Vyazz said...

@Vaniquest: Thnx...totally agree with you on this....

Vyazz said...

@Kadambari: Good to know someone in the same spot!! Even I am swarmed by uncertainty. But I suppose its all a part and parcel of life, and yeah, like Vani said,'this too shall pass..'

Vyazz said...

@Kaddu: Yeah its true. But its the phase of transit that gets my goat, wondering where it will all lead up to.

Vyazz said...

@Aquarius: Thnx...yeah the process can be quite unnerving!! But like you said, eventually the fear and anxiety ought to fade away, once the new chapter of life begins. Thnx... :)

Vyazz said...

@Brcasarea: No dude, that's all for us here. We have handled Russian patients here in the OPD, but it was integrated with the 6th year.
Besides we have to do a years internship in India, once we clear the MCI exam.
Coz the experience is a whole lot different, and not to mention essential if one wishes to practice in India.

Vyazz said...

@Mukund: Its a scary phase I know, and many say that being scared is a sign of cowardice, but frankly its one of the most natural human emotions when it comes to expecting the unexpected. Hope all goes well in the future!!

Vyazz said...

@Ramya: True, one keeps hopping from one phase to the other!! Guess ur right about being confidant that all will work out well!!! Indeed it will!! :)

Vyazz said...

@Varun: Yup its Dasvidanya to Russia, to Medvedev and to its -30 winters (which like you said I shall fondly remember later).
Jus wish this darn transit phase would be over and done with soon!!!

Thousif Raza M.B said...

well vyazz first, thx so much for dropping by the blog, much appreciated hope to c more of you

and yes i want that manual too, cause i today finished my degree xams, gotta move on and donno which road to take, so pretty much feel the same way you do now....


i wish you that, let the present and the future bring you everything you xpect and if it doesnt let it bring the best which you dint xpect....


take care and keep writing....

et said...

Our minds are never made to accept the change as soon as it comes. It's just your hormones running around, your self getting ready to enter a new arena.. just think long term.. you're gonna be a stable individual after some more years.. and that's all that matter. Simply live on!

Gymnast said...

I can totally empathise. I am only a step away from being an architect , and while i look to leaving the routine of last five years , i also feel a tingle at the thought of the future. I guess whatever happens , will be for good.

Gymnast said...

I can totally empathise. I am only a step away from being an architect , and while i look to leaving the routine of last five years , i also feel a tingle at the thought of the future. I guess whatever happens , will be for good.

Gymnast said...

I can totally empathise. I am only a step away from being an architect , and while i look to leaving the routine of last five years , i also feel a tingle at the thought of the future. I guess whatever happens , will be for good.

Gymnast said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Vyazz said...

@Thousif: Welcome!!
Yeah...will let you know if I can get my hands on that manual!! :)
Guess most of us are in the same boat.
Hope we reach the shores in good time, and in good fortune!!! Thnx 4 the wishes, appreciate it!!

Vyazz said...

@et: My hormones are on overdrive. Specially adrenaline. Newayz, yeah..I know its just a phase...but man I wish it would be over soon!! :)

Vyazz said...

@Gymnast: Welcome to my blog!! Thnx 4 dropping by!!
Like I said, join the club!!...Guess we are all in together on this one. And yeah hope everything works out for the best!!! :)

Mon Espace said...

Not a big fan of change myself! But as some wise dude/dudette once said, change is the only thing that is constant in our lives..

The sooner we accept that the easier it becomes, i guess..

g'luck with everything doc! here's hoping everything works out well for u!

-CHeers ;)

cold steel said...

this is only to be expected. first night blues! but remember your feelings, after 20 years you will be surprised why you were worried so much.

approach your mountain with vigor and it just falls away. your training and energy prepares you. after just having completed a rigorous 100 km cycling tour in the himalayas, i can say that motivation and confidence matter most, preparation next; circumstances least.

Aarti Raman said...

vyazzii...if life came with a manual,then life would be so boring!!we a;; would be living our lives as a robot!!!such kind of a life is not worth living!!life is full of uncertainties and is definitely a mystery!!!i aint a planner,i just take things what life has to offer,whether its pleasant or unpleasant.i am not saying that one shouldnt ponder as to whats NEXT in life,but lets not dwell in the thought that its going to be scary!!!..lets be optimistic and sing with me in chorus... AAL IZZ WELL!!!...