Wednesday, May 20, 2009
The purpose of having a blog are numerous. Some use it to convey what they feel, while some use it to spread some sort of social message. A good number of people use it as a medium to sharpen their writing skills, while a good remainder of people use it to rant out their grudges against life and the society they live in.
Today, I have nothing particularly to convey, nor am I exactly in the mood for personal introspection. On the contrary, as the title says, I am currently within the grasp of absolute petrification.
Within a month and a half, I am going to come across a very major milestone in my life. And that is graduation after six years of medical school!
Perhaps at this moment I ought to sound solemn and confidant, as I look to the future with the resolute calm and ease that would manifest perhaps in an individual who is certain of his prospects.
But I am not that person!
And for a fact I know that life is anything but certain.
On the absolute contrary, I am terrified of the future prospects, and constantly am kindling new and unimagined thoughts that manifest themselves as constant anxiety and nocturnal tachycardia.
Man throughout history has either been curious or fearful of the unknown.
Moreover one always seeks refuge in things that are always meant to be certain and consistent. When one knows what to expect, it usually prepares a person mentally to face whatever that is out in store for them!!
Au contraire, when you feel like in course of your life, you are about to enter a deep dark tunnel, where you have no idea so as to what to expect at the other end, it can be a good deal frightening to a significant few.
I do not have the curiosity and the spirit of adventure, of the sort that perhaps would exist in Indiana Jones, in order to abandon all thoughts of insecurity, and fearlessly jump into the abyss, gliding with ease as to be prepared for whatever lies out there.
The very thought makes me ill at ease.
So far, for the past six years, it has always been the same routine. Ten months of classes, followed by two months of vacation, and the cycle would go on and on.
But now everything is finally going to grind to a standstill.
As human beings, we are all temporarily deceived into thinking, that the lives we currently lead are going to stay the same forever.
We never even stop for a moment to contemplate on what are we going to do when things are going to take a sudden change in our lives.
Like when a student lets go of his fun filled collage days and is about to graduate.
And suddenly you are thrust out there in the world unprepared and find yourself running nook and corner for a job.
Or when someone has to forsake his single carefree days and has to eventually commit to someone eternally in matrimony.
The prospect of uncertainty is too much to consider. Perhaps even overwhelming to some.
I really wish things could always stay the same.
For instance, where the only major concern for me would be preparing some sort of report for the class the next day, or figuring out what movie to watch while I have dinner.
But it is never so!
They say change is good. It refreshes life and removes any sort of monotony.
Perhaps so. But then again, I haven't a clue so as to what sort of prospects will the so called change herald into my life.
I wish all of us were born with a manual which told each one of us, what sort of direction our lives are going to take.
But if wishes were pennies.....you get the picture.
Its just awful that one has to be left wondering so as to what is going to happen next. Frankly for me the current prospect of graduation, and subsequent entry into medical practice is leaving me terrified so as to how will I handle everything.
I seriously haven't a clue.
All I am aware of at this moment, are the final exams that are looming somewhere in the corner, and the tachycardia that seems to grow more and more consistent day by day.
For some the world "out there" is interesting, while for some, it doesn't make a difference worth a shilling. Whereas for me it is just plain scary.
All in all, its an awful thing to let fear and doubt plague you.
Perhaps the key would be to let go of all that bothers you. Like the fears that manifest themselves as malignant dark clouds looming overhead.
And pretend, as though indeed things are going to stay the same forever.
The past no longer exists, and the future is something that is yet to be seen.
The present is the one reality.
I suppose the answer lies in living in the present, and not bothering about what the future has to offer.
I have never been a fan of planning things because things seldom have a tendency to work out the way you would expect them too.
So all I can do for now, is play pretend, act as though there is nothing "out there" to get me.
And live in the moment.
For tomorrow is just another day.
Image credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/vermininc, http://www.flickr.com/photos/jessjessjess, http://www.flickr.com/photos/kitsa_sakurako,http://www.flickr.com/photos/tsukubajin