Friday, February 6, 2009
Sometimes, I just wish I could run away. Run so far that the world left behind me looks utterly insignificant from a distance. Run so fast so that none of my miseries can keep pace with me. I just want to run away as soon as possible, so that I do not end up as a sorry remnant of my previous self, battered and bruised by the unforgiving tides of ignorance and stupidity.
I just want to run, and never stop.
I always envied birds. They can always fly off where ever they want to. They look so free and sublime. So blissfully aloof, soaring far into the heavens.
To only be able to live such a life. Something that dreams are made of. Alas, for as a human theres not much I can do as far as dropping all that I am doing and scuttling off to where my fancy takes me.
Why must it always be this hard to incorporate your self in the very world you live in? And why, time and again must I be constantly thrust between those who have the I.Q. of peanut butter, and the sense of humor of a demented child?
Someone up there has an awful sense of humor!
The worst part of belonging to such a crowd, you end up doubting yourself. Doubting whether there is something wrong with you or something wrong with those around you.
Excerpts from the conversations that I must undergo every freaking day of my life:
Me: Hey, I just started writing a blog.
A "friend": Whats a blog?
Me: "deep sigh"...a site where you can write about whatever you feel, post your pictures and stuff.
A "friend": Why would anybody want to do that?
Me: "deeper sigh".....never mind!!
Once this dude walks into my room,
Another "friend": Hey, what are you up to?
Me: Nothing much, just writing my blog.
Another "friend": God!!....its so big!!...Who reads this shit?
Me: I don't care, I just write because I feel like it, that's all.
Another "friend": Man, you need a girl!
Me: Struck dumb.
Of course man seldom learns from his mistakes. I'm literally kicking myself after this recent conversation.
Me: Hey, I just started a blog.
Sort of Friend: Huh!!...Big deal! I started one three years ago.
Me: (A bit surprised to realise that one of them actually knows what a blog is)
Hey, that's cool...may I see it.
Sort of friend: Sure, its xyz.blahblah.com
A site opens with some music, and a picture of the dude in question......and I'm waiting to like, catch a glimpse of some posts.
Me: Its just a picture of you. And some info about you.
Sort of friend: Of course!...What did you expect?
Me: I thought you would have written something.
Sort of friend: Write? Jeez!...Who writes?
Me: (screaming within)...Oh! Okay.
So that's about it. Practically in a nutshell. These are the sort of people I must see and talk to, day in and day out. Since I cannot have any intelligent conversation with them, (and by intelligence, I mean the ability to talk beyond the subjects of cricket, the latest Hindi movie, and the curves on the girl who lives on the floor below), I resort to making funny awkward gestures and grunting noises. So now, I am the funny guy.
Do I like being the funny guy? Sure it has its perks. People notice you, and they call you over when they need some "time pass" in their dull as dishwater group. Other times they just acknowledge your existence by ignoring you when they have their intricately profound conversations like, "Dude!....I drank a litre of vodka and was sooo wasted!!..I puked all over the room."
Of course, not that I am complaining. There are things that I prefer staying out of.
At times I turn to the fairer sex for some solace. But at times even that can be a bit trying, when most of their conversations run around the shade of their nail polish or how their diet is coming along.
End of the day, I'm exhausted. Exhausted for constantly playing the role of 'the funny guy'. Forcing a big broad smile on my face every time I am around them (any other facial expression will actually reveal how I feel, and that might freak them out a bit!).
Spending all day constantly being who you are not, can take it toll upon you.
A toll on your mind, your nerves and your sanity.
Hence at times I just want to run away! Run so far and so fast that none of their stupidity can catch up with me, and turn me into one of them (shudder).
Am I a misfit? Perhaps. Or perhaps the classic case of being at the wrong place at the wrong time. But the awful part is, that I have been at the wrong place for the past 23 years.
It just makes me wonder, do I really belong here?......